Welcome, intrepid travelers, to another excursion of the Weekend Holyland Update airlines. Today’s flight will take us to the realms of faux-popular uprising, low-grade racist pogroms, the upshot of a sad joke, another one, an altar where the people are sacrificed to a bloodthirsty deity,and finally a mass wedding. The menu will consist of bland lumpy cheese with a subversive sperm sauce. Off we go!
The big story of the past few days has been the uproar over the price of cottage cheese. A little half pound cup of cottage cheese has hit 8 ILS (about $2.35, or about twice what y’all pay), and people freaked out, starting Facebook protest groups and all manner of oh-so courageous actions, vowing in the face of mentionable peril to refrain from consuming said curdled lumpy stuff for a month(!!) in protest. I think they crossed the 100K threshold on all the groups combined, and the big shopping chains have already begun to “heed the voice of the people” and lower the prices somewhat. This, of course, is the classic retail ploy: Jack the price, wait for the outrage, score for heeding the voice of the people and lower the price to somewhere between the old price and the original increase, thus still raising the price but fronting like you gave a discount. Even the pols are rushing to join in on the “cottage revolution” and are now “promising” to put basic dairy products back under price control. Gotta heed the people!
What most people missed, of course, is that it’s not about the fucking cottage cheese (or koh-tej as we call it here). In Israel, we make less for equivalent work than anywhere in the developed world, yet pay more for virtually everything. Milk, sugar, salt, meat of any kind… we pay more for a liter of olive oil than they do in Britain. Surely you’ve heard of the vast olive orchards of Albion? The proud olive oil heritage of Wessex? The presses of Cornwall? I mean, no wonder they pay less for the stuff than a country like Israel that…oh, wait.
In the case of the cottage cheese the only difference was that the three dairy giants (Tnuva, Strauss and Tara) got caught up in their own greed and bottom line-worship and made the price-creep a little too damn noticeable. One of the financial rags claimed it was Tnuva that started it. This time, that is. It doesn’t matter who started it, just like it’s not about the cottage cheese. It’s the same with everything. While I’ve accepted, to the immense sorrow of my steak-loving heart, that we pay double to triple than in the states for beef, because cattle really does have production challenges here so that it needs to be imported, in most cases there’s absolutely no good reason for any of this. Israel is a dairy empire. Our cows regularly win prizes for the yield and quality of their milk. Anyone trying to sell me any crap about the size of the market and economy of scale will get smacked. Ain’t no way it should be feasible for Muller to ship yogurts all the way over here and still be price-competitive. None. In related news: In the past year, five people in Israel joined the ranks of billionaires. Over 123,000 joined the ranks of the poor.
But the Goddess-cursed sheeple in this country don’t get it. They don’t get that it’s the occupation and the constant garrison-state mentality that perpetuates the unholy deal in which the major companies provide various clandestine services to the security apparatus (and jobs to any donkey that got tied long enough to the gate of a military base to retire as a colonel or better), and in return get the right to rape the populace and its sovereign resources with a sandpaper prophylactic. This started in Israel’s infancy, when the economy really was weak, and the socialist state needed to cut entrepreneurs all kinds of slack so that the invisible hand wouldn’t wither and die, and so that the populace would get some sort of services and goods. But now? Sheeeet.
This all ties in nicely with something from the previous dispatch. Remember Sami Ofer, the octogenarian billionaire who was shitlisted in the US for doing business with Iran, the Knesset debate on which was abruptly halted after the chairman was handed a mysterious note and who then promptly died (the tycoon, not the chairman) in the midst of the whole affair?
Well, he was being brought to rest at the Trumpledor St. cemetery, where like 90% of Israel’s founding fathers are buried, and where no common folk have been buried in decades. Somehow (gotta love the somehow), the Ofers were able to buy a plot or a few there some 20 years ago. So Sami’s procession is winding down Trumpledor street, near the beach, when suddenly, from one of the balconies, thunder the sounds of Hefner’s “The Day That Thatcher Dies“. Turns out that Alon Uziel, a clwnish “hipster” and semi-obscure music critic for major portal “Walla!”, decided to throw a little fuck-you party. He was even silly enough to write a blog post bragging about it, with footage and all. Most of my friends (myself included) felt this was highly childish and in terribly bad taste (although a surprising number of serious people felt otherwise), but we don’t pay Uziel’s freelancer fees. Walla does – or rather did, since it sent him a terse telegram (love the quaint touch there) terminating his “association” with the site, for the high felony of offending the mighty. This, of course, was enough to tilt most people – even those who found Uziel’s original stunt revolting – back in his favor.
A few days later billionaire Yithak Tshuva (the guy who threw a tantrum when the public demanded he pay a semi-fair tax on the oil he found off our coasts [the government originally gave him the concession to drill for a criminally low share of any profits], then launched a smear campaign accusing those in favor of the tax hike of trying to sell Israel economically to the Arabs) married off his son. This of course is fine. What isn’t fine is that he did this on public land in the Ben Shemen forest, which he occupied for ten days despite being turned down for approval by the authorities. I got married at Ben Shemen forest myself. My guy threw up a little hippie/Bedouin compound among some pine trees, it cost next to nothing and we occupied the land for less than 36 hours from setup to cleanup. We didn’t take over a huge chunk of land and bring in heavy machinery to smooth the ground and so the fuck on. Then came the cottage cheese thing. The wonderful Dror Fuer wrote the following in the financial paper Globes:
“They say we’re just jealous. Sure we are. When one of us faces ruin due to a kid’s root canal or a transmission replacement for his beat up jalopy, while one of them spends $2M on a single evening, while his friend is forgiven a $20M debt just because he deigned to buy a newspaper while selling another company to the Chinese, how shall our heart not fill with dark rage? When a young couple moves in with the folks because they can’t afford the rent or mortgage while the rich man buys another private jet, when I gaze sadly at a cup of cottage cheese at the supermarket as they compete for another discounted, privatized public asset, how shall we not be envious? When they are protected in their tax shelters while we can’t even write off our kids’ kindergartens – how shall we not clench our fists??”
In other words, suddenly many more people understand how normally mellow people can hate the rich fucks enough to shit on their funerals. It won’t stop there, either.
OK, that was long. Snapshots the rest of the way:
The judonazi faction among the settlers went on another of their little pogroms (which they call “price tags” and which are designed to harm the IDF and the government by forcing them to protect Ishmaelites), and torched a mosque near Ramallah. A few days later, the operators of the “Jewish Voice” website were detained for questioning in an operation that involved about 100 cops and stasi agents. Jewish Voice is the mouthpiece of the followers of a rabbi named Yitzhak Ginzburg, who is so hopped up on kabbalah his racism is completely off the charts (he has stated that there are no innocents among the Palestinian enemy, and has supported the “King’s Torah” book, published about 2 years ago, which sanctions the killing of babies if one “reasonably suspects” they might grow up to harm Jews.) This website has also been reporting, with uncanny insider dope, on the “price tag” attacks – kinda like the Hutu radio stations were “just reporting” on massacres of Tutsi in Rwanda in 1994. But anyone who thought that the authorities were starting to take the budding krystalnacht kids seriously was soon disabused. The police categorically denied that any of the detainees was even suspected in connection with the arson. They also denied that the arrest had to do with a little scoop the Jewish Voice ran the day before, about a regional IDF commander keeping settler and religious-right soldiers away from certain activities – but this last sounds more likely. The Green Beast and the Stasi always get their panties in a bunch whenever media, especially non-conglomerate media, dares to make them look bad. So expect the price tags to keep on tagging.
Defense Minister Ehud Barak – the guy who dragged Labor to its worst election results ever, then effectively killed it by teaming with Nutanyahoo in the most right-wing and racist government this country has ever seen, then broke up the party and kept his four little midgets while the other Labor idiots finally managed to go cold turkey into opposition – he appears to be negotiating a merger with Likud, where he and two other lucky souls will be given safe spots in the party’s list for the next elections. You could see it coming a mile away, but still.
This is old, and my bad for leaving it on the cutting floor last time when it was fresh, but you gotta check this out. The religious disease in full effect.
For a new bit of “religion fucks with your mind” – remember Yithak Ginzburg? The guy who wants to kill Palestinian babies so they don’t endanger future good Jews? Well, he was troubled, as religious fucks are wont to do, by sins of the flesh, and by the wasting of manly vigor on the equally empty pursuits of pussy and jerking off. But fear not!
“if you fell in your lifetime into too much sex (whether in the form of self-abuse or abuse to others), don’t despair – become totally involved in overthrowing the contemporary, corrupt and anti-Torah political system. That’s the way to repair the damage you’ve done to yourself and others by misusing your sex drive. In Kabbalah we are taught that rectification must come from the very same psychological drive that brought about the damage.
So rectify sex with politics.”
In other words, if you’re a nebbishi yemenite student, hopelessly in love with the Ashkenazia chick with the pretty braid, and have sinned once too often by substituting your hand for her, don’t worry – here’s a gun, and there’s the PM, and….
IDF Chief of Staff Benny Ganz has decreed that the official mourning for fallen soldiers, Yizkor, will now read “May God remember the soldiers” rather than “May Am Israel (the People of Israel) remember”. It’s especially funny since he decreed that it should read “Elokim” and not Elohim. Elokim is what devout Jews say when they are mentioning their skydaddy casually and don’t want to profane the term. So not only is the common grief over fallen soldiers being denied to those who don’t care to involve Jehovah (whether because they’re agnostic, atheist, Druze…whatever) – but it’s not considered solemn enough to say “God” in full. Not Jehovah, mind. Not the explicit, forbidden name. Just the generic “God”.
And finally, on a pseudo-light-hearted note, 153 Israeli couples fell 11 short of a world record when they held a mass wedding in Cyprus. The reason all these Israelis tied the knot on the island is not a shared craving for souflaki and ouzo, but because for whatever reason, either one or both of each couple is not considered Jewish according to the orthodox establishment, and therefore can’t marry in Israel. There is no civil marriage in Israel, and if the medieval fucks from the rabbinate don’t like you or suspect the purity of your Aryan – sorry, I mean Jewish, of course! – blood, you may be in trouble, as this guy found out.
The Palestinian Fatah-Hamas “reconciliation” ceremony was called off for now, and we’ll talk September and UN votes next time. You can look up Tom Friedman’s latest (maybe not-that) silly suggestion on the matter on your own if you need a guffaw.
That’ll do it for now. WHU Airlines is not responsible for any illusions, sympathies or misconceptions that may have been misplaced on our tours. Please collect your senses and check your comments (and donations, if you’ve a mind) where appropriate. Thank you for flying the crazy skies.
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